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GET A YEARLY CHECK-UP FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP HEALTH

Physicians, as you know, advise a yearly check-up as a tool for diagnosis of symptoms that may need medical intervention.  With treatment, this potentially aids in the prevention of a more serious ailment or illness. 

I’ve often thought when working with couples, this same strategy ought to apply.  Why?  Because many of the couples I worth with attend therapy as a final attempt to repair the state of affairs.  This is what I often hear “Well, we can always try therapy as a last resort and if that doesn’t work, we’ll go our separate ways.” 

With confidence, I can say that that couples who attempt to sort through their marital problems without professional support are going to have a very difficult time with this process.  I don’t say this in my best interest as a therapist.  This belief comes from my experience in working with couples who say they have tried for years to figure out how to their multi-layered relationship problems.  The unfortunate part is that once they’ve made a decision to enter couples counseling, one or both are so ambivalent about their desire to be in the relationship, that their energy to even invest in working through their difficulties is limited at best.  I’m not saying that therapy can’t help at this point – it’s just more difficult.  The other statement I hear from people is that “we waited so long, that even if our marriage could be made better, I don’t have any feelings left for my partner and I can’t imagine those feelings coming back.”

One of my suggestions would be for all couples who enter into marriage or who make a long-term commitment to each other, take seriously the fact that they are going to have problems.  In light of this, it is not only reasonable, but it is appropriate that couples seek professional support, to help them navigate the marital waters.  It is not easy to do alone, while you are in the thick of it.  I don’t know many couples who make a long-term commitment to each other who think that divorce will be an inevitable result.  Most people want to make their relationships work.  In my opinion, it is an unreasonable expectation to think you can do this alone. 

When I see couples getting married, I am happy for them, but I also see that the are “sitting ducks.”  No one knows exactly what their struggles will be.  No one knows exactly how they themselves or their partner will handle adversity.  No one knows if they themselves or their partner will actively work toward their own individual development, which is so essential for relationship development.  No one knows exactly how they themselves or their partner will handle job stress, children (if they so choose), in-laws, exes, parenting differences, religious differences, illness, mental health issues, blended families, domestic division of labor, finances, sex – I could go on and on.  You get the picture. 

When couples are challenged by the above and are stuck in gridlock, they often see problems as a sign that their relationship is in trouble.  But these challenges serve as an opportunity for individual development – in other words, that is the time, we really see what we’re capable of; that is the time, where we hold the mirror up to ourselves and decide who we want to be in the moment; that is the time when we figure out more skilful ways of handling stress; that is the time when we face truths about ourselves that we are not always nice – that we have a dark side that sometimes wants to hurt our partner; that is the time when we decide whether we will run from the problem or stay and face the challenges by learning and growing and by being curious about ourselves, our partner and our relationship.

One more reason for people to seek professional help with relationship strife is that you and your relationship and your family are worth it. 

As I write this today, I celebrate my 28-year relationship with my husband.  We are no different than any other couple, in that we’ve had our share of challenges.  We have had many marriages within this 28-year marriage. 

I offer you the advice to take the challenge and seek out professional help with your relationship not when it’s “near death,” but when there are first signs of symptoms that need repair.  You don’t want a small tear in your union to become so big that it’s not repairable.  Be curious.  Have fun.

Namaste, Barbara