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Mindfulness Practice!

Learning to Self-Soothe – Step 1 in having a respectful, productive conversation!

Self-soothing is the same as learning to calm down.  I just like the phrase of self-soothing better.  I think my preference for the self-soothing phrase is because “just calm down” has such a pejorative tone to it. 

Why is learning to self-soothe essential to a productive conversation?  Because without soothing ourselves, without “calming down” our nervous system, we will say or do something that has potential to damage our relationships.  We can only even attempt to self-soothe if we become mindful of our intention to do so.  Without mindfulness, we are simply on auto-pilot – doing what we have always done, over and over, even if it is counter-productive.

Think of times when you have been in conversation with your partner, or a friend or a co-worker and you are being criticized or you hear something you don’t like or your partner wants something different from you and you may not get what you want, typically what happens is that your heart rate and your blood pressure begin to elevate.  This is a normal physiological response.  It is also then typical for us, when our heart rate and blood pressure rise, to want to either fight back or to withdraw.  If we don’t self soothe, we will do just that.  We will fight back or withdraw and then either the verbal sparring begins or stonewalling occurs.  Neither of these will help to create a constructive conversation.  In other words, we can’t listen clearly when we are in a state of frustration, anger, bitterness or resentment.  Nor can we communicate clearly if we are shouting, criticizing, or blaming.

So in order to say what is true for us, to disclose our true feelings and thoughts, we must be able to soothe ourselves, calm down our nervous system.  We do this by taking a break in the action.  John Gottman, a researcher and marital therapist in the United States, has conducted experiments with people in his “lab,” wherein he measures people’s heart rates and blood pressure when they are in the heat of an argument.  In a nutshell, he takes a couple, puts them in a room, asks them to begin a conversation that is typically conflictual for them and then he monitors their heart rate and blood pressure.  Here’s an interesting fact:  with few exceptions, men recover more slowly from a heated argument than do women.  In other words, men’s heart rate and blood pressure are higher than women’s when in an argument, thereby taking men a longer time to recover from nervous system arousal.   When our nervous system becomes highly sensitized, the part of our brain that is responsible for cognitive functions such as memory, concentration, focus, reasoning, problem-solving, is all impaired to a certain degree.  This is what makes it difficult, if not impossible to be reasonable in a heated argument. 

Here is a suggestion:  for now, just become aware of when you are agitated and when that agitation turns into a higher level of frustration or anger or any other strong emotion and pay attention to what is happening in your body.  Where in your body is there tightness?  What kinds of sensations are occurring in your body that provide clues to you that you need to breathe, to slow down, to self-soothe?  Just notice…become aware….become mindful….become conscious…..

If interested in learning more about mindfulness practice, there is a lot of information and resources to be found.  I will offer a couple of recommendations.  Saskatoon has a number of skilled mindfulness and meditation facilitators.  Please visit: 

www.jenniferkeane.com

www.jeannecorrigal.com

Both Jennifer and Jeanne offer meditation classes and on-going meditation practices to assist people in learning how to become mindful, through the practice of meditation.  Their websites also offer links for other resources.

In addition, I would highly recommend the teachings of Michael Stone of the Centre of Gravity in Toronto.  His website is www.centreofgravity.org.  Michael has an excellent CD that offers guided instruction in the practice of mindfulness.  This can be ordered through his website as well.

Research the brilliant work of Jon Kabat-Zinn, the founder of the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Clinic, as well as Pema Chodron.  These are personally two of my favorite teachers.  They both have audioCDs and books that are excellent resources.

Stay open.

Be curious.

Namaste, Barbara