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One of the reasons couples enter into therapy together is that they find it difficult, if not impossible, to have difficult conversations. 

This is what I typically hear from couples:

1. I don’t want to tell him/her because it will hurt him/her.
2. He/she will get mad if I say what’s on my mind.  And when he/she gets mad, that person gets really angry/that person gets really quiet/that person starts to cry/that person leaves the house/that person withdraws, pouts, becomes defensive, etc.  When one or more of these things happen, nothing gets resolved.  Conversation ends.  “We end up going quiet or we end up in a shouting match.”
3. When I tell him/her, he/she puts me down, dismisses what I am saying, criticizes me, deflects responsibility, denies wrongdoing, etc.  
4. When I want to talk about something important to me, he/she gets defensive and we end up arguing our points, without each other just listening to the other’s experience/thoughts/feelings.  “It’s like we are in a heated debate, rather than in a partnership learning about each other.” 

There are many more reasons why couples find it difficult to have a conversation.  One of my tasks as a couples’ therapist is to coach couples in how to have a difficult conversation.  When couples get stuck in the same old conversation, or when couples aren’t having conversations that really need to happen, my job is to assist them in not only learning how to listen and speak respectfully, but also to increase their level of personal development.  (More on that in another article on ego states in the next couple of weeks.)

The reason it is so important for couples to learn how to have difficult conversations, and to increase their level of personal development, is that without doing so, they will be stuck.  Being stuck most often means that there will be emotional disconnection, physical disconnection and sexual disconnection.  By learning how to have difficult conversations and increasing one’s level of personal development, chances of increased intimacy on an emotional, physical and sexual level will be greatly enhanced.

…and as I have said before, you, your partner, your family and your relationship are worth it!

Be curious.  Stay open.  Have fun.

Barbara