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Reminder: Relationship Check-up

 

I mentioned in a previous blog, the importance of prevention in your relationship.  That is, before problems get to be too big, seek out the assistance of a relationship therapist.  I cannot stress this enough.  In fact, I would highly recommend you and your partner spending a little time and money every year getting a yearly check-up on your relationship.  An unfortunate reality is that many couples attend therapy when one of the partners (or both) say they want out.  Therapy becomes a last-ditch attempt to see if the relationship can be turned around.

Often there is so much water under the bridge, so to speak, that there is a lack of desire and energy to try to repair the relationship.  In addition, there is often so much accumulated hurt, resentment and confusion that it seems like a daunting, if not impossible, task for both people. 

Many years ago, I read a fascinating book on relationships, written by psychologist, Michael Vincent Miller.  The name of the book is Intimate Terrorism:  The Deterioration of Erotic Life.   He describes the many ways in which people use both overt and covert ways to hurt each other.  David Schnarch, to whom I have previously referred, would describe these ways as “normal marital sadism.”  In other words, year after year, if left unchecked, a slow, but sure erosion of the bond and love that the couple built in the early years will result.  There are many possible reasons for this.  This is where therapy can help because, understandably so, it is overwhelmingly confusing for the couple to sort through the layers and layers that have built up over the years. 

A colleague of mine and I think of relationships as “divinely-inspired people growing machines.” Relationships naturally stimulate personal growth; so when the couple starts to experience problems, it signals growth.  If we can look at it this way, then we can think that we are right where we are supposed to be.  We can then ask ourselves “what is being asked of me in this moment?”   It is then up to each person in the relationship to decide on how they want to “show up” in the relationship.  I have great respect and admiration for people who attend couples’ therapy.   It is a privilege to be a part of a process that inspires couples to bring the best part of themselves to their partner, their relationship and their family. 

Stay open.  Be curious.  Have fun and keep your imagination alive!

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