Articles

March 21, 2013

Relationship Dilemma:  “Why do we keep having the same fights over and over again.” 

Remember that when we enter into adult relationships, we bring with us an entire history  – our positive experiences, our negative experiences and our neutral experiences….all of these experiences WILL impact on our adult relationships in some way – either positive or negative.  Most often, we are caught by surprise when we act defensively to our partner, by withdrawing, stonewalling, yelling, getting angry, etc., because we don’t very often know why we are reacting the way we are.  What we are experiencing is a biological conundrum – we are hardwired to both a) protect ourselves and b) make connection with others. Here’s the conundrum:  “when it feels like we are being threatened, do we act in the interest of the part of us that wants to protect ourselves or do we act in the best interest of our relationship.”  The answer:  The majority of time, the majority of people will act in the interest of self-protection before the best interest of the relationship.  THIS IS NORMAL. 

What we need to learn is how, under stress, we can reduce our own pain and the pain of our partner.  We need to learn effective things to do, rather than rely on ineffective ways.  What happens for both partners, typically, is that each person is triggering something in the other partner, from their past, that is painful.  It is most often a place where we feel unloved, unimportant or uncared for.  So, in effect then, it is very difficult, if not impossible, to really hear what your partner is saying (because that is a cognitive function).  The partner is reacting from a part of their brain that feels scared (affect/feeling).

This is why it is of paramount importance that a couple learns tools of how to stop the escalation of a fight.    When couples learn these tools, they can stop reacting to each other, thus they stop hurting each other.  Implicit in this, is the desire of each person to stop the suffering of his or her partner.  This intention must come before dealing with the content of a matter. 

I often tell couples that they, like every other couple, were “sitting ducks” when they decided to partner.  There is not one of us who enters into a relationship aware of the above dilemma.  It is not anyone’s fault that this happens – this is normal hardwiring of our brain, THAT CAN BE CHANGED. 

After many years of working with couples, one of the most important things I can tell you is this:

SEEK ASSISTANCE RIGHT AWAY WHEN YOU ARE EXPERIENCING RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTIES.  Do not wait, hoping, wishing or thinking the problem will just go a.  If you have tried to resolve it, with no success, please make an appointment with a couples’ therapist before the disconnection between the two of you is made worse.  I have seen too many couples that did not seek out help and years later, one of them (if not both of them), has disconnected from the other so much, that the interest in repairing the relationship is not there.  This causes so much grief and pain for both people.  In many of these relationships, I believe that had they sought help earlier, their relationship may not have ever got to the point it has.  Having said that, I recognize that it is difficult for some people to speak to someone they don’t know about their personal life, but it could one of the most important decisions you make.  Think of it like getting your body checked once a year or like taking your car in for a yearly check.  It is a wise and courageous decision to seek assistance when you need it. 

Stay open.  Be curious.  Have fun.

Namaste,  Barbara