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I posed the above question to a group of friends a couple months ago and here are some of the answers to that question "What makes for a happy long-term relationship?"

1.  Having fun together and making your partner laugh.  "If I can make my spouse laugh each day, this helps to keep our relationship fun and happy."

2.  Showing each other respect .... not just once in a while, but every day.  It was also acknowledged that this is easier to do when your partner is behaving in a way that is worthy of respect.  Much more difficult to do when your partner is not. 

3.  The commitment to sharing equally in household tasks.  Not only the commitment, but the consistent follow-through with this commitment.  When this kind of equality happens, each person earns credibility and respect of the other and bitterness, anger and disappointment are absent on this front.

4.  A regular satifying sex life.  This helps to keep the couple feeling closer by keeping this connection strong.

5.  Being honest.  Not holding in secrets or untruths.  Growth in a relationship occurs an honest relationship.

These five points were made by some friends and I agree with them all.  This is a wonderful list of ways to keep a relationship thriving. 

When asked how I would answer that question, as I was the only couples' therapist in the group, I said that I agreed and supported all the above statements.  There are many more to be added to this list.

 

I want to discuss one that I think is absolutely essential to a happy, thriving long-term relationship.  That is this:

Before you blame your partner for his or her shortcomings, hold the mirror up to yourself first.

What this means is that while it is easier to blame someone else for their shortcomings or for their undesirable behaviors or personality traits, it is often more difficult for us to take stock of our own shortcomings, undesirable behaviors of personality traits.  But it is essential to do just this.  This doesn’t mean we never give feedback to our partner about behaviors that are unproductive or less than stellar, and when we do this from a place of love and care, our partner may actually hear the complaint and may even agree that some change needs to take place.  But if we only criticize, put down, rebuke, patronize or tell our partner about his or her shortcomings from a one-up position (meaning, “there is nothing wrong with me, it’s you”), or from a place of anger or contempt, then a negative tone will be set in the relationship and a wall goes up between the couple.  The other partner will tend to shut down and/or will want to “level the playing field” shouting out all kinds of uncharitable comments. 

Conversely, when both people in the relationship can convey lovingly and with care, consideration and empathy, a complaint he or she may have of the other, you will both build a foundation of honesty and will set a tone of trust and safety.  And as I am stating, when each person can hold the mirror up to him or herself and take ownership of their personality “flaws” and take ownership of less than undesirable behavior, this too builds safety and trust in the relationship.  For example, if one person says “yes, I do tend to attack you when you don’t deserve it and I do this because I don’t want to face my own fears when I get scared,” this goes a long way to build openness, honesty and trust.  These are the cornerstones of a strong foundation for a long-term relationship.

So two tips for your coonsideration:

1. Think about how your behavior or your neuroses impact on your partner and subsequently on the relationship.  Do this before you start screaming and shouting at your partner about his or her shortcomings.  Put away your pride and be honest about them with your partner.  Share what you are afraid of.  Share your fears.  Equally, if not more important, is that the partner listening must listen with a loving and open heart and not use the information as a weapon in future discussions.  By doing this you will build a safe and secure foundation in which to continue this kind of dialogue.
2. When you have a complaint, speak to your partner respectfully about it from a place of care and concern, rather than from a contemptuous or angry stance.  Your partner will be much more open to hearing you and to potentially making some change.

Namaste,

Stay open.  Be curious.

Barbara