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There's Nothing Left To Say Anymore --

There is a trend that I am seeing in my work with couples.  After 20 or more years of marriage, some couples are experiencing “There’s Nothing Left To Say Anymore.”  By this I mean that if these same couples chose to have children, these children are close to being raised or have left home and a hush falls over the relationship.  I am not seeing a content hush, but rather what I would call a “bored hush” or a “hush, sizzling with quiet contempt.”  Let me describe the two types of couples I see. 

 

“Bored hush” couple

This is the couple who say they love each other, care about each other and do, in fact, have a long, shared history together.  They are typically both very nice people, but appear to be either bored with themselves, bored with life or bored with each other.   They share quiet space together, but have nothing left to talk about and can’t seem to find things to talk about.  There is nothing overtly hostile in this couple’s relationship, but there is also nothing juicy and exciting in this couple’s relationship either.  They are reluctant to end the relationship because it’s not bad – it’s just not good or great either.  If they could be angry at each other, that would be easier, they state, because they wouldn’t feel so guilty about leaving a relationship where each of them is a nice person.  This couple tends to need to give themselves permission to end the relationship or they need to seriously shake things up!

 

“Hush, sizzling with quiet contempt” couple

This is also the couple who say they love each other, care about each other and do, in fact, have a long, shared history together.  The difference between this couple and the “bored hush” couple is that this couple can hardly look at one another.  From the outside, it looks like they are merely tolerating each other.  More specifically, they are tolerating each other’s neuroses, idiocyncrasies and anything else they deem undesirable.   In short, I get the feeling these people do not like each other very much.  If they don’t like each other much and are feeling contemptuous toward each other, they are, in fact, getting nowhere near each other physically or sexually.  Sometimes this couple can enjoy each other’s company, but more often, not.  Contempt started to creep into this relationship many years ago prior to seeking therapy.  By the time this couple arrives on the therapist’s doorstep, they mostly need help ending the relationship.  This is the couple who cannot reframe each other’s undesirable traits as loveable.  Really what they need, like the above couple, is to give themselves permission to end the relationship.

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Despite a high divorce rate in this country, there is a cultural imperative to keep the marriage together no matter what circumstances.  People tend to “feel bad” about ending a relationship.  They feel guilty.  They see themselves as failures.  They “turn the rock over” every which way to see how they can make the marriage work.  I often hear people say “it’s easier just to end the relationship than try to work it out.”  I don’t know if this is entirely true.  I often see people working very hard to keep their relationship together.  There are many good reasons to keep it together, but there are also many good reasons not to.   If these couples are not having much fun together and are not bringing out the best in each other and, after valiant attempts to do so, perhaps it is time to reconsider whether it’s best to stay together.  Each couple has to decide what is best for them.

Stay Open.  Be Curious.

Barbara

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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