Articles

Extra-Relational Affairs

Article 1

I will begin a discussion of extra-relational affairs (ERA), with a definition and some general comments about ERA.  I will continue this conversation with a series of blog articles all related to the topic of extra-relational affairs.

My definition of an extra-relational affair occurs when one partner in the relationship breaches an implicit or explicit agreement of sexual monogamy with the other partner.  I would also include emotional affairs in this definition of extra-relational affairs – although this is more of a grey area (a further discussion in a future article). 

What I am not talking about here are open relationships, where couples want to be together but agree to form a non-monogamous relationship.  In this arrangement, one or both partners agree to have sexual relations with other people, within the context of their committed relationship.  Even in open relationships, an agreement can be breached if one partner chooses to breach the agreement of the boundaries mutually set by the couple.

Both men and women have extra-relational affairs.  While it is thought that men are mostly the choosers of ERA, women too choose to have affairs.  Some married women are having affairs with married men and some married men are having affairs with married women.  (When I refer to “married,” I am referring to a committed relationship, even if not married).  Some men choose to have affairs with single women and some women choose to have affairs with single men.  I will cite in an upcoming article the various reasons people choose to have affairs.  I will also discuss the effects of an affair on a relationship ~~ in instances where the affair was disclosed by the person having the affair or in instances where the affair was discovered. 

Here are some comments I consistently hear:

~~ “You hear about this happening in other couples’ relationships,, but I can’t believe this happened in our relationship.”

~~”He/She is the nicest person.  I can’t believe he/she would have done this.  This is so unlike him/her.”

~~ “I don’t even know who this person is anymore.”

~~ “I said that an affair would be a deal breaker, but it’s not.”

~~ “How do I continue to live with this person knowing what he/she has done.”

~~ “I hate him/her and I love him/her.”

~~ “How did I not see this coming?”

~~ “I suspected so, but didn’t want to believe it.”

What is definitely true is that affairs create a crisis in the relationship and the couple’s relationship will likely never be the same again.  There are many layers involved to consider when repairing a relationship when there has been an affair.

For those couples who are affected by their partner’s affair and who want to continue in the relationship, I strongly suggest seeking professional therapy.  For those couples, who end their relationship because of an affair, I would also suggest seeking therapy in order to assist you in managing the emotional and practical aspects of the “uncoupling” process.

I want to start this dialogue of extra-relational affairs as an introduction to further articles on this topic.  Please check back in the coming weeks for more articles.

Barbara