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Affair-Proof Your Relationship

Before you go and have an affair, you might want to consider telling your partner that you are vulnerable to an affair.  When I suggest this to people, their jaw usually drops, followed by this: “I could never say that to my wife/husband/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend….that would really hurt and him/her.”

True, it will in all likelihood scare your partner.  Your partner will be worried, afraid and hurt.  Better that than your partner finding out you have actually had an affair.

If you think the former is difficult, the latter is far worse.  In fact, the former will give you and your partner an opportunity to prevent an affair and to iron out some of the wrinkles in your relationship and to work toward creating an intentional relationship – a relationship that is an intentional creation of what you want the relationship to look like.  The latter, conversely, will result in deep emotional pain that will last a long time; the latter will create trust issues that will last for a long time; the latter will create problems on top of existing problems; the latter will potentially impact a whole community of people in your life; the latter will potentially cost you financial loss if the affair results in a divorce; the latter will potentially cost you an entire change of lifestyle.

With the exception of those individuals who are what I call “serial adulterers,” many people who choose to have affairs are not happy in their relationship.  Inevitably, all couples will go through times in their relationship when they aren’t getting along so well.  One or the other may be unhappy.  Both may be unhappy.  My experience in working with couples is that most couples attempt to work on their relationship.  As I have stated several times in other blog articles, it is very important to get assistance with your relationship difficulties sooner than later in the relationship.  We want to prevent smaller issues from becoming larger issues.  I cannot stress how important this is.

One scenario that I often see which results in a person choosing to have an affair is when one partner tells the other partner repeatedly he/she is unhappy in the relationship and the other partner refuses to discuss what is making that person unhappy.  In fact, often times there is a dismissal of that person’s concerns.  If the partner who is expressing unhappiness is getting stonewalled, there are a few options he or she can take:  a) find someone outside the relationship who will listen (this is usually where affairs occur); b) see a therapist who can assist you with discussing what your options are; c) tell your partner that your concerns are serious enough that you are going to see a therapist and ask your partner to join you in therapy.  If you choose option a, you will set yourself, your partner and family on a course of action that will be difficult to repair.

Again, what I would strongly urge couples to do, is not neglect their relationship by ignoring your partner’s concerns.  Both people in a relationship need to have on-going conversation to ensure that both people’s concerns are taken seriously and are tended to.  When couples are in the midst of emotional distress, it can be very difficult to see clearly what is happening in the dynamics of the couple relationship.  This is where it can be helpful to seek assistance from a couples therapist. 

Relationships are a labour of love.