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In the year 1999, I was involved in the Canadian-wide provincial/territorial consultation process wherein people came together to discuss how we can better serve couples who are going through a separaton and divorce process.  One of the outcomes of this process was the implementation of a mandatory course on how to best co-parent children when going through a separation and divorce.  When people choose to go through a legal process of divorce, each person must attend an program regarding education centered around healthy parenting skills, specific to a separation and divorce process.

Having worked with hundreds of couples going through a separation and divorce, I can attest to the emotional and pratical ups and downs of this process.  The emotional toll of navigating this process is palpable.  There are typically layers of issues and many years of wounds and scars that take some time from which to heal.  In the recent Spring Edition of Saskatoon's Fine Lifestyles magazine, Volume 6, Issue 1, myself and my colleague, Ms. Jennifer Schenn-Visentini offer some suggestions to help couples who are going through a sepration. 

It is my experience that when one person in a relationship makes a unilateral decision to end the relationship, this is one of the most difficult emotional experienes certainly that the other partner goes through and subsequently the partner who initiated the separation and divorce also.  I often hear the comment that leaving a relationship is "taking the easy way out."  I have yet to experience anyone who chooses to leave a relationship who finds it an easy process.  On the contrary.  What I have been witness to is the gut-wrenching pain of a person ending a relationship and unbearable pain on the part of the partner.  This is not an easy process for anyone.  I'm not denying that there are individuals who leave easily, but for the most part, this has not been my experience.  I have a tremendous amount of empathy for both partners, who are going through a separation. 

There are certainly situations with couples where they are both relieved at the end of the relationship.  In these cases, a separation is a mutually agreeable decision.  As a result, the healing process typically is not as difficult.  I have heard from older children who are also sometimes relieved there parents are separating as they have been witness to a hostile environment or a stony silent environment. 

Each couple's situation and cirucmstances are unique.  No two couples are alike.  But it is clear that there is a great deal of stress and anxiety for people who are separating and usually for the children, in cases where there are children. 

What I typically say to couples who are separating is focus on your integrity.  Behave in ways that are integral to who you want to be, even when it's difficult.  And it will be difficult much of the time.  Take time to think through what you want to say to your partner -- try the best you can to avoid knee-jerk emotional and behavioral reactions that are going to cause more wounding.  Gather a support network of people who care about you and who will stand by your side.  Take one day at a time...one moment at a time....make sure you are caring for yourself.  Ask for help.  As you are going through this process and once you are through the process, you will have peace of mind that you spoke and acted in ways that are integral to your values. 

Take care.

Barbara