Articles

  Relationship Rebellion:  

Marital Vows Revisited

Part I

 

After many years of providing marital/couples therapy, I have come to the conclusion that couples who are committing to each other “at the altar” so to speak, need to consider writing completely different marital vows than have been traditionally written and spoken. 

When I refer to marriage, I am referring to any couple that is making a long-term commitment to each other, whether that be at an altar, on a beach, in a backyard or in front of a justice of the peace. 

The traditional wedding vows have each person promising a lifetime to be together “for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, from this day forward, until death do us part.”  Part of the pledge also typically includes being sexually faithful to one another.

These vows, however, are broken all the time.  All the time.  These vows are outdated.  These vows I suggest are meaningless, without more thoughtful concrete commitments.  There are so many reasons why people succumb to breaking their vow to the other.  What follows then is heartbreak, sadness, anger, confusion and loss of innocence.  I know why people want to pledge “forever and ever – no matter what” – our desire for security and certainty is so strong.  Imagining that our partner could leave us, or that we could leave them, is unbearable when two people make their vows.  The truth is though that over half of all marriages will end in divorce. 

What I am currently noticing with the younger generation – the twentysomethings and thirtysomethings  -- these beautiful, bright, articulate, candid, creative, and intelligent people is that they do not necessarily want a so-called “traditional” relationship. Of course they want to love and to be loved, but they have been part of a generation that have seen their own parent’s relationships and a community of people’s relationships not thrive.  They have been witness to and have been involved in relationship breakdown – it has been all around them.  In listening to these young people, I am hearing confusion, doubt, hesitancy, and skepticism at the notion of committing to long-term relationships.  Again, these are the same people who want to love and to be loved – but not under the terms of their parent’s generation. 

So how do they do this then?  They do not have a template.  I am suggesting that this new generation is starting to create a new template – there is a relationship rebellion in the making and these are the people who are in the midst of it.  The confusion, doubt, hesitancy and skepticism I referred to is a good sign.  These are necessary feelings and thoughts for this generation to have in order to bring about change.  With these feelings, they can start to rethink how to do relationships and how to be in relationships in a different way.  In my mind, this is an exciting and necessary shift. This shift involves a person being much more conscious of how he or she wants to be in a relationship.  Never before have I seen so many young men and women take ownership for their actions in a relationship.  They are curious about why they do what they do and are accountable for their choices, without blaming the other.  These same people are seeking to gain insight into themselves in order to grow and mature.  It is a privilege to be witness to this shift. 

 

I will write more in Part II of Relationship Rebellion (in a future blog), but first I want to offer this:

I have come to the realization that couples ought to make only one vow to each other when they decide to share a life together.  This vow embodies a number of commitments. 

This is it:

“I commit to myself and to you that I will take care of myself.  I will take care of my emotional self, my intellectual self, my physical self, and my spiritual self.  I will work toward creating a safe and sacred space between you and I, in our home and in our community, where we both feel safe in being vulnerable with each other.  I will take care of you and I will “have your back.”  I will recognize that I am fluid and you are fluid.  We will change over time and I will recognize that in myself and in you.  I will have open and curious eyes in seeing you in new ways and through a fresh pair of eyes and an open heart.  I will be aware of when I am rigid and inflexible and not open to what you have to say.  I will recognize when I have a strong need to be right and how that shuts down communication.  I will recognize when I have a mental health issue and I will seek help for it.  I will recognize when I am taking you for granted and I will not do that – instead I will show gratitude for who you are and what you bring to my life.  I will be open to your feedback when I do not recognize the things that I commit to recognize.  Together, I will create beauty in our home.  I will commit to nurturing my imagination so our life together can be interesting, alive and have a strong heartbeat.  I will pause and think before I speak because doing so is a radical act of sanity and love.  I will be honest with you in sharing my feelings and thoughts and I will do so in a respectful and non-violent way.  I will be open to listening to your thoughts and feelings in a respectful way – even if they are different from mine or if what you are saying is hard to hear.   I commit to becoming emotionally mature – that means I may not get everything I want all the time. Sometimes you will get what you want and sometimes I will get what I want.  That means I learn to compromise and negotiate.  I will commit to showing up in the relationship in ways that are emotionally mature – this means I will not run from the difficult times – I will stay and do the hard work even though I may not know what or how to do it.  I will be open to your influence when you make suggestions that may actually be good for me. I will repair a connection when we become disconnected.  I will say I am sorry and will own up to my own shortcomings instead of blaming you and withdrawing.  I will take care of loving myself -- because when I love myself, I can love you.

(you can always add more...and add commitments that are unique and important to you)

Imagine if both people were to commit to the above…..

 

Take care,

Barbara