Articles

Relationship Rebellion: 

Part II

In my most recent article on Relationship Rebellion, I offered couples ways to think about being in a relationship and ideas of what they ought to be actively committing to “at the altar.”  Not that couples will actually list all of these commitments, or any of these commitments, in their marital vows, but rather my goal is to inspire couples to really think about and to actively work toward committing to emotional growth and emotional maturity throughout the lifespan of their relationship. 

Why did I title these two articles “relationship rebellion?”  Two descriptors of rebellion cited in the Oxford Dictionary are non-conformity and resisting convention.  Many of the twenty- and thirty-somethings, the Millennials, that I refer to in my previous article are current examples of young people today who are resisting past conventions of marriage and who are not conforming to the ways previous generations have gone about being in relationships. 

Many young people today are not only questioning the conventional norms, but they are also reflecting on, and perhaps losing belief in, commitment in relationships.  These same people have either been part of their parents’ relationship breakdown or/and they have witnessed their friends’ and other family members’ relationships breakdown.  Some of these young people have grown up in blended families and ended up having four adults parent them. 

In working with these young people, I see two things happening.  For the most part, people seem to want to fall in love and want to be in a relationship.  It’s after this that it starts to get confusing.  What I am hearing is people being unsure about wanting to be in a long-term love relationship.  I wonder though if it is their belief in the uncertainty of long-term relationships.  After all, these are the same people who were part of witnessing long-term relationships break down.  It makes sense that they would be questioning the viability of long-term relationships.  

I am seeing all kinds of variations on the forms of relationships.   Such examples include:  a) long-distance relationships with both people being financially autonomous, but committing to sexual monogamy; b) people being more comfortable living with groups of individuals, while being in a committed relationship; c) people living in the same city, but living in different homes, committing to sexual monogamy, while having a more substantial amount of autonomy; and d) people who are living together in what I would call a “quasi-committed” relationship – these same people do not want to define their relationship, stating they have a primary partner, but they are questioning whether they want to be sexually monogamous or not.

A consistent variable seen in most, if not all of these scenarios, is financial autonomy; that is, each person is responsible for their share of the financial costs of the relationship.  Separate bank accounts are now the norm.  Separate friends are more of a norm.  I believe this speaks to people’s fears about the instability of relationships and as a result, people want to be secure in their own independent functioning, both financially and with their peers.  There are currently huge generational differences.  The Millennials are clearly in the midst of a relationship rebellion and revolution.  They are, in fact, building new types of relationships and they are doing this without any blueprint.  They are babes in the water, trying to figure out what they want, living with the confusion and the excitement that accompanies charting new territory. 

My next blog entry will be Part III of Relationship Rebellion.

Be open.  Stay curious.  Be kind.

Barbara