Articles

Modern Day Relationships of the Millennial Generation:

What are we committing to?

 

           Relationships are currently being redefined by the millennial generation. Much of the confusion experienced by the twenty- and thirty-somethings on how to have a secure functioning relationship is the outcome of high divorce rates and disillusionment with our parents’ failed marriages, unprecedented amounts of privilege, and access to more information (and more choices) than ever before. We are one of the most well-educated generations in human history. Still, no amount of higher education can prepare us for the emotional rollercoaster of engaging in intimate relationships. Long-term, secure functioning relationships appear to be the desire of many people and certainly there is a collective human desire to connect with people and community.

What has changed for Millennials? What is important to us? What value are we placing on long-term partnerships? What do we want? We seek happiness, contentment, and ease. We are the generation who perhaps has not flexed our emotional muscles. We do not deal well with strong emotions, becoming swayed at even the weakest of winds towards instant gratification. How does this impact on our connection in relationships?  Two generations ago, lasting, long-term partnerships were ends in themselves. Relationships were inherently valued. Although long-term relationships may be problematic, people of my grandparent’s generation were, for the most part, committed to commitment, committed to renegotiating with their partner when times were rocky. Perhaps they also didn’t experience the amount of choice of the Millennial generation.

How do Millennial relationships compare? Arguably, Millennials are placing individual happiness and autonomy above a primary relational connection. Relationships have become a means to an end, the end being individual happiness, the means being the relationship. Such a mindset results in relationships being dispensable. When times are hard, when we are not experiencing happiness and contentment, we often turn judgment and analysis toward the relationship as opposed to our self.  Not all relationships work. We do not mesh with every person we have ever gone a date with. However, when engaged in a intimate, long-term relationship, the onus is on one’s self to recognize our role, behaviours, and patterns in the relationship—recognizing how we are being harmed and how we are harming our partner, noticing how we are contributing to the conditions that bring about win-lose or lose-lose situations. This is not a requirement if we do not value our relationship. However, if we do wish to continue to cultivate and build close, intimate connections in our relationship, these recognitions are absolutely vital.

 

Why are we Millennials finding it more and more difficult to sustain long-term, secure functioning relationships?

 

Expectations: We seem to place unreasonable expectations onto others, simultaneously not holding our self to the same level of expectation. Conversely, we have unreasonable expectations of our own abilities, allowing partners to continually overstep our boundaries. If we do not express our desires, and set our boundaries, how do we expect ourselves or our partner to act in congruence with them.

 

            Sense of entitlement: With continuous privilege comes a sense of entitlement. The psychological consequence of this is difficulty in handling not getting what we want. A relationship entails two unique individuals. If we expect that our partner will give us everything we want, we are setting ourselves up to be continually disappointed.

 

           Popularized self-help movement: The Secret, Oprah’s Book Club, Think and Grow Rich—these are tiny samples of the immense collection of self-help books written over the last forty years. Most self-help books focus on individual attainment, intentions leading to actualization, and how to control our environment to obtain what we want. What all poor self-help books fail to realize is that selfish happiness is an oxymoron. We are communal creatures yearning for connections. It may seem counter-intuitive, yet taking care of others, taking care of our community, contributes substantially to our own personal happiness and well-being.

 

           Me, me, me: We are not separate from our community or from the environment. Individuality is a social construction. We may be more removed from the process that makes us feel part of the environment, yet we all need to eat, we all need clean air and water. With minimal thought about individual actions, we fail to see how we influence the external environment, not only in relation to human beings, but generally taking everything the earth provides for granted.

 

           Ideas of perfection: We are imperfect—perfectly imperfect. Ideas of perfection cause us to compare ourselves to others. Set the standard for yourself.  Perhaps we need to drop our absurd belief in perfection, or a magic pill that will bring us happiness.

 

           Inability to deal with strong emotions: Our current culture provides endless opportunities to become distracted. Explore your strong emotions. Dive into them. They are not as scary as you think.

 

           Take things for granted: When we take things for granted, we are failing to recognize what we already have. Psychologically, this shows up as wanting more and more, grasping for something different, something better. An ungrateful mind bleeds into all aspects of our lives. When we recognize what we already have and its positive aspect, we begin to cultivate a positive, grateful mind.

           Instant gratification: Tomorrow will come. Be patient. You can put your happiness first, but not at the expense of the wishes, desires, and needs of your partner. We are free to continue prioritizing our own happiness, without equally valuing our partner’s, however prioritizing in this way will likely come at the expense of any long-term relationship. Is a close, intimate, long-term partner desirable? It is up to you to decide what you want. Were our grandparents always happy in their long-term relationship? No. Were our parents always happy in theirs? No. Will instant gratification, impulsivity, continued feelings of entitlement, disbelief in monogamy, consumption of people as things make us happy? It seems not.  

 

            Possible solutions: Dig in when things get tough, learn and practice skillful communication, appreciate what the earth provides us, recognize that ‘I’ am not the most important thing in the universe, that we need each other to help with the emotional, mental, and physical rollercoaster that is life, do not react when experiencing strong emotions, act with integrity, take care of people, recognize when we made a mistake and learn from it, be curious, recognize we are not entitled to more, more, more, cease narcissism, and hold ourselves accountable for our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.

 

If you would like to explore relationships issues individually or as a couple, please contact Scott at 306.653-3232 or email at:  morrisonscottj@gmail.com.