Articles

The Art of Conversation

 

The art of conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard.” 
― William Hazlitt, Selected Essays, 1778-1830

One of the most common problems identified in couples’ therapy is this:  “we need to work on our communication.”  When I hear this, I don’t accept this statement at face value, but rather I ask the individuals within this couple to identify what part or parts of the communication process each of them are having difficulty with.  This, I believe, is an important question to ask because otherwise, communication is a big mountain to climb without breaking down the elements.

For example, read again the quote at the beginning of this article:  “The art of conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard.”  Implicit in this statement is one part of the communication process, that being listening.  Listening in conversation requires both people to suspend their desire to talk and really listen to what the other person has to say. 

The second part of the communication process is talking.  This involves sharing with another person your own thoughts, opinions, feelings and ideas.  Depending on what a couple is conversing about, the conversation can be light or the conversation can be more serious, with someone sharing how they are feeling about something that happened in the relationship.  The latter requires a great deal of vulnerability as depending on the listener, what is always evaluated is how safe am I to share my innermost feelings and thoughts. 

Where conversation goes badly is often one of two ways or a combination of both.  Firstly, if the person sharing is accusatory of the other, then the listener will likely be defensive (unless the listener is highly skilled in being non-defensive, non-reactive and not taking anything personally).  Secondly, if the listener is critical, hostile, or dismissive to the person sharing, this will shut down communication immediately. 

Conversation between two people in a couple’s relationship ought to be different than communication between two lawyers in a courtroom or between two people in a formal debate.  The latter situations involve someone winning and someone losing.  And in both of these situations, a judge and an adjudicator will decide who wins and who loses, so to speak. 

In a loving partnership, the goal is not to have a winner and a loser.  The goal is to create a safe environment where two people can express opinions, thoughts and feelings without being criticized, dismissed, judged or denigrated.  And here’s the important part:  what will be true is that two people will have different opinions, thoughts and feelings about a variety of issues within their relationship.  The challenge always is how to allow space for two differing thoughts and how to negotiate on matters that need to have a solution. 

My observation of what makes this difficult is when one person feels emotionally threatened by the differing thoughts of the other.  Typically when this happens, the person who feels threatened will find many ways to shut the other person down and this leaves the other feeling frustrated, alienated and not willing to disclose to their partner.  If you can be aware of any insecurity you may have when your partner thinks or feels differently than you, still be open to asking questions of your partner to learn more about what they are thinking and feeling.  Be mindful not to make interpretations of what your partner is saying....ask questions for clarification.  

If you and your partner are having difficulties with your own communication, I highly recommend to get assistance with this as soon as possible, as when the above negative patterns continue over a period of time, it will leave you feeling disconnected from each other

 

Recommendation for a book about communication:

Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.