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Millennials are working hard to create egalitarian relationships

Both young men and women recognize that they want to create more egalitarian relationships than they witnessed in their parent’s generation, the baby boomers. 

How to do this is the question?  I believe that there is a role for both men and women, whether in straight or gay relationships.  Confusion is what I hear in my office.  How do I have a relationship where we learn to share power? 

The upside of this revolution in relationships is that women are not tolerating men who are not responsible in relationships.  Women are leaving relationships in much higher numbers than men. Women want men who are showing up as adults, not as irresponsible adolescents.  Men want to contribute to decisions made on the domestic front and this shift requires women to relinquish domestic highground. 

These shifts have created a unique situation that over time will evolve into a new paradigm of egalitarian relationships.  In the meantime, this is what I see and hear and what is confirmed by most if not all of the millennials with whom I work in individual and couple therapy.  I will put these millennials’ statements in quotes with a generous helping of paraphrase. 

“I won’t settle for anything less than an egalitarian relationship.  I would rather be alone.  I will focus on what I want in life, my interests, my work, things that bring me enjoyment.”

1. “I don’t know how to work through these issues in a way where we both can be happy.”
2. “My parents’ marriage didn’t work, so I don’t have a lot of confidence that relationships can work long term and I’m not sure that I even want a relationship.  But I do.”
3. “How can I have an equal partnership and still do the things I love to do.”
4. “I can’t see hanging in there with someone who won’t make change.  My parents did that and they ended up divorcing eventually.  I don’t want to waste my time.”
5. “I would rather have a fulfilling career than a relationship that is less than equal.”
6. “If my partner does not consistently bring their best self to the relationship, I don’t want this relationship.”
7. “I want to be happy most of the time in my relationship, and if I’m not, I would rather have a wide circle of friends than a single bad relationship.

All of these statements and many more I believe are the result of many of the millennials watching their parents and friends of their parents go through relationship distress and subsequent divorce.  It is no wonder that the millennials want to redefine their relationships and that they are confused as to how to get there.