Articles

Lost in Translation

Yes, that is the name of a movie and yes this is exactly what happens when we try to interpret what someone is trying to say.  This is the cause of a lot of miscommunication between people in a relationship.  Interpreting comes in the form of assuming i.e. thinking that you know what your partner is thinking or feeling.  Examples of assuming:  “I know what you need.” “You think that…….”  “I know you really don’t want to do that.”  “I know you and you always do that when…..”  Now you may be right in some cases, but better to ask for clarification than thinking you need to be right about something.  And if you are not accurate, this will result in the other person feeling misunderstood. 

The other part of miscommunication that gets lost in translation occurs when a person rushes over what the other person says and misses the emotion behind what is being said.  This usually occurs when someone wants to get their point across quickly, thereby ignoring the emotion behind the words of the speaker.  This leaves the speaker feeling not heard and misunderstood.  Be patient.  Slow down the communication process.

How can you avoid these two pitfalls?  With regard to assuming, instead of thinking you know what your partner is really saying, ask for clarification instead.  Ask questions to illicit information about your partner’s thoughts and feelings. 

When your partner is speaking to you, take notice of the emotion behind the thoughts and then check out with your partner what you are noticing.   Examples:  “you look sad.”  “You look confused.”  “You look hurt.”  “You look scared.”  “You look happy.”  And even then, check that out.  Follow up your observation, with something like this – “Is that right?”  

Why are these two ways of communicating important? In the absence of one or both of them, this will cause a feeling of disconnection.  Conversely, in the presence of one or both of them, this will result in a feeling of connection.  Feelings of disconnection between one or both partners typically result in one of two things – withdrawal or fight.  Neither of these are the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.  In fact, the absence of these will be a slippery slope for further disconnection. 

These are two pieces of communication that we can all actively work on.  They are skills we can all learn. 

Stay open.  Be curious.  Listen.  Have fun.

Barbara