Articles

Relationship Rebellion:

Part III

One of my favorite writers, Adam Philips, a British author, psychoanalyst, irreverent thinker and provocateur writes the following about relationships, in an excerpt from his book Being Sane.

'It certainly seems to me that we have unrealistic expectations,' he says, 'Of our relationships, about happiness, about hope. We are not educated to love reality. It is very difficult, for instance, to accept people as they are. One of the most difficult things is to acknowledge our parents as people, to accept that there are not better parents inside our parents.'

Going Sane differs from his previous books in one crucial way: it culminates with a chapter that is the closest he has yet come to offering a prescription for contentment. It is, unsurprisingly, a complex prescription, a series of negotiations between what is possible and what is practical, what we want and what we might be prepared to settle for. I ask him, out of personal interest, how a sane relationship might work.

'Well, first you would not be preoccupied by whether it was working or not. You would be preoccupied by whether or not you enjoy or crave each other's company. So, it would not be working the way a business works. That would be exactly the wrong model.'

What, though, would be the right model? 'Well, it may be in time that we come to see friendship as our best picture of a working relationship. It may be, too, that we need accept that sexual relationships are inevitably unpredictable. One would not then measure the success of a relationship by how long it lasted.

Whether a relationship works for 20 years or for 20 days is not the question.  The question is, is my life better with this person? And better, in this instance, does not mean more glamorous or richer or more alluring, there is more to it than that.'

As I wrote in Part II of Relationship Rebellion, the confusion for the Millennials is expressed in questions and comments such as “How do I know this is the person to whom I want to spend the rest of my life?” “I’m not afraid of marriage, I’m afraid of divorce.” “There isn’t any truth to ‘this relationship is forever’.”  If the Millennials were to respond to Adam Phillips’ statement “….the question is, is my life better with this person?” they would say “some days yes, some days no…so how does one decide.”  Fair point.  David Schnarch, an American marital and family therapist would call this a “two-choice dilemma.”  We are faced with two choices – this or that.  These two-choice dilemmas could perhaps be considered the soul of adulthood.  With every choice we make, there is a loss.  If I choose you, I am not choosing someone else.  If I choose to live here, I choose to not live there.  Inherent in the choosing, is the loss of something or someone else.  By not choosing something or someone, we recognize our loss, accept it and move on.  This appears to be a difficulty not only for the Millennials but also for the baby boomers.  Fear of missing out (FOMA), is a current acronym that describes the conundrum for many people.  “I don’t want to miss out on anything,” “The world is my oyster,” “I should be able to have it all,” “I want it all,” “I’m only young once,” “You only live once,” and as of late in the news, the publicly-known website Ashley Madison’s tag line that says “Life is short, have an affair.”  No wonder some young people are confused – No wonder some baby boomers are throwing caution to the wind. 

What I do observe in the twenty- and thirty-somethings is a highly conscious generation of people who know they have choices (and plenty of them – the world is my oyster mentality).  I would argue that this sentiment has been supported and encouraged by the baby boomers.  These young people are not just accepting the “conventional” way of living; that is, go to high school, get a post-secondary education, get a job, get married have children, raise children, retire, go south.  These people are thinking outside of this conventional box.  I am not theorizing that one way or the other is better – because I really don’t know.  And who gets to decide what is better for whom?  I would simply say that these are personal choices of every individual and the young people are actually thinking about these choices rather than robotically accepting the old status quo.  Arguably, this is a good thing.  And like any good revolution or rebellion, this thinking comes with anxiety.  I am hearing from the young people a collective anxiety – an anxiety that permeates through their everyday living.  I don’t hear about contentment, as Adam Phillips refers to.  In fact, contentment seems to get a bad rap – it has become a pejorative concept.  If one feels contented, he is thought of as boring or uninteresting.  Remember, the world is your oyster.  So much to do.  So much to accomplish.  So much to be.  So much to buy.  So many places to go.  So many choices.  Again, no wonder the Millennials are experiencing overwhelm and anxiety.  It’s dizzying.

Perhaps, freedom [of mind] comes through constraint.  If the world were not your oyster, your options would be limited.  Maybe if the Millennials didn’t feel they have to do so much, if they didn’t feel they have so much to accomplish, if they didn’t feel they have to buy so much, if they didn’t feel they have so many places to go, if they didn’t feel they have so many choices, if they didn’t feel they have to be so much to everyone, maybe they would feel less anxious and overwhelmed.  Maybe they would experience contentment. I would suggest that the truth of their experience has been perpetuated by the baby boomers being complicit in instilling these worldviews. 

Be curious.  Stay open.  Stay connected to those you love. 

Barbara